Tired of being unable to focus at work because the whispers in your head are telling you to burn the place down? Do the hooded entities in your dreams keep showing you glimpses of the unholy beyond every time you drift off? Afraid to wield anything sharper than a dull pencil because you know the voices beg for blood?
Then keep reading, because you can silence those voices in just 15 easy steps. Grab your keys and wallet and leave your roommate Claude on the couch with his video game. It’s time to go shopping.
1. The Music
You’ll want to get a record player—one that plays forwards or backwards, that’s key. Get a small speaker too. Now load up on vinyl. I find Christian rock works the best. The more intense, the better. Leave Collective Soul for someone else. You want something with a double-bass drum and a deep knowledge of scripture. Oh, and make sure you buy a spare stylus—that’s the tiny little needle that plays the record. You never know when you’ll need an extra.
2. The Hobby
Nothing chases the unwanted denizens of your skull away like intense focus on a new passion. I recommend something that involves cutting. This sends a message to those pesky voices: I’m cutting you off! I’m talking about gardening, scrapbooking, anything like that. Get a large, sharp pair of scissors, clippers, or shears.
3. The Drugs
No, not the hard kind! I’m talking about sleeping pills, silly. Pop a couple and you’ll drift away into a dreamless, hooded-entity-less slumber. Head to the pharmacy and grab a bottle. And while you’re at it, pick up a pack of cigarettes and a lighter—ridding yourself of nefarious forces is a release that’s even better than sex. So why not celebrate like it? Treat yourself!
4. The Dinner
Remember what your mother always said—you can’t vanquish profane fiends on an empty stomach! Head to the grocery store and get something healthy and filling. Let’s get chicken or turkey, and a little garlic and parsley to top it with. A side salad including some greens and either beets or radishes will pair super nicely. We love fresh ingredients and lean meats here!
5. The Libations
Now remember what your father always said—never face supernatural forces sober! A bottle of pinot grigio will pair nicely with your dinner. You should never drink alone, so grab a six-pack of that bitter-as-hell IPA Claude likes.
6. The Tools
Silencing the voices is no easy task, so let’s head to the hardware store. Snag a can of black paint and a paintbrush. I assume you already have a hammer at home—right?—but if not, pick up one of those and a box of nails. The longer, the better.
7. The Bible
Yes, it’s a cliché. I know. But if you don’t have the Good Book in your house—which is becoming increasingly common among people in your generation!—stop by a bookstore and get a copy.
8. The Setup
OK, now it’s time to head back to the apartment. You’re loaded up with the tools of the trade and ready to tell those nettlesome voices to bother someone else! Prepare the chicken however you like it. Bake it, grill it, toss it in a skillet—I’m not a cooking blog, so head somewhere else if you’re looking for a recipe! Grab your sharpest knife and start chopping the salad. And open that bottle of wine—you deserve it! It’s also time to offer Claude one of those nasty IPAs. This is where things get interesting, so pay attention to the following steps.
9. Night Night
Claude doesn’t even look up from his video game when he says yes. The lazy bastard has been sitting in the Claude-sized dent on the couch all day while you’ve been trying to better yourself. He is loathsome, don’t you think? Just a waste. He’s not worthy to breathe the same air as you.
Grind up those sleeping pills. All of them. Yes, just like that. Funnel them into that beer bottle. This swill is so bitter and disgusting, he won’t even be able to tell the difference. Stir it up. Bring it out to him. Sip your wine as you watch him drink it. Try not to smile too widely.
10. The Sigil
Head back into the kitchen and open the can of paint. Paint a large circle on the tile floor. Then make the sigil that we show you in your dreams every night. That’s right, kind of like a lightning bolt that cuts the circle in half. Now do a spiral and a little dot on either side of it. Perfect! Let that dry. The smell of the chicken should mask the smell of paint. And besides, Claude is too focused on his beer and his game to notice.
11. Time for Some Blasphemy
Disable the smoke detector in your kitchen. Clear out the sink. Put the Bible in there and open it to one of the books in the middle. Micah or Malachi or something. Now torch that shit. Take the lighter you bought at the pharmacy and set it ablaze. This is a blasphemous statement that will cause any protective Christian forces to stay away from your apartment.
Who needs ‘em anyway?
12. Kick out the Jams
By this point, Claude should be awfully woozy. If he’s still conscious, he’ll be wavering back and forth from his spot on the couch. The controller has probably fallen from his hand by now, and his stupid character is just standing still while the virtual world goes on around them. Just like Claude. Worthless loser. Deadbeat. We’ll get to him.
Let’s set up the record player. Follow the instructions, hook it up to the speaker you bought. Now slap one of those Christian rock records on, turn the player on backwards, and crank it up! This setup will take a while. By this point, Claude should be out.
13. Sorry, Claude
Yep, he’s passed out now. Perfect. Get that hammer. Get that nail. Position the nail right in Claude’s ear and swing that hammer, baby.
14. Give Us that Soul
He’ll twitch around for a minute. While Claude is expiring, collect some more supplies: the extra stylus, the big scissors you bought, the root vegetables, and the herbs. By the time you get this all together, Claude should be still. Flip him on his back. Close his eyelids. Take the stylus and carve that same sigil on each eyelid. This will trap his soul inside his body, where only we can access it.
Now open his mouth, pull out that tongue, and cut it out. Not like he was using it anyway—he didn’t even thank you for the beer! Keep that mouth open and shove in the herbs and the root vegetables. This unites his spirit with the earth, allowing us to feed on him forever. That completes the ritual sacrifice portion. Check!
15. Let Us In
You’ve done such a great job so far, sweetie. We’re almost done. Walk back into the kitchen. It should be pretty smoky, but that’s okay. Take another drink of wine. You’ve earned it! Now, stand right in the middle of that sigil. Smell the smoke. Taste Claude’s blood on your fingers. Let the music wash over you. Hear the way those holy words sound when they’re warped and turned around.
Look into the smoke. You can see us, can’t you? Our hoods are pulled up, so you can’t see our faces in the smoke, but trust us, we’re smiling. This is the best dinner party we’ve been to in hundreds of years.
Open your eyes. Open your mouth. Open your arms. Soon, you won’t be able to hear us anymore. You won’t be able to hear anything. You can finally rest.
You’ve already let us into your head. Now let us into your soul.
Author bio: A.K. McCarthy is a writer of dark fiction based in Indianapolis, Indiana. In addition to his award-winning journalism, his short fiction has been published in numerous anthologies. His debut novel, All the Meaner Things, is due from Dead Sky Publishing in early 2027. Learn more about him at akmccarthy.com and connect with him in Crystal Lake’s Shadows & Ink community under the name Alex McCarthy.